What Most People Misunderstand About Boundaries
The idea of having healthy boundaries has become commonplace, something of a buzzword. I see boundaries being discussed more and more as a positive thing overall. However, I find that they are grossly misunderstood. People can view them as aggressive, selfish, an ultimatum; as something that means there’s a red flag or even a need to end a relationship. Boundaries are actually in service of staying in relationship to another person.
In order to counter the misunderstanding of boundaries, I love to refer to Lindsay Gibson’s quotation from her book Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:
“Voicing boundaries is just a way of saying who you are and what you prefer.”
Starting with the first part– voicing a boundary is saying who you are. Gibson isn’t talking about introducing yourself here. She’s talking about letting yourself be known. To let yourself be known, is to let yourself be loved. But we shy away from saying who we are out of fear of rejection. The effect might be that you get to keep the relationship, but you don’t feel truly loved and known.
I work with a lot of people who have ended up in this predicament. They have not voiced who they are and what they prefer in their relationships and they feel like something is off, but can’t pinpoint what it is.
When people avoid having a preference or boundary, it’s actually harder to build emotional intimacy.
I’ll use a really ordinary, low stakes example to explain more: choosing where to eat. One friend will never voice a preference for where to eat, always deferring to the other friend. In time, an imbalance develops. The person who chooses what to eat every time has revealed their preferences while the one who never chooses has not. And perhaps that person has some feelings, acknowledged or not, of annoyance about that. In turn, the person who always chooses, knows less about their friend.
Usually, the person who says “Oh, anything is fine” is being polite. It might seem to them to be selfish or rude to say “I really want a burrito”, or “Let’s go someplace quiet so it’s easier to talk.” Those are preferences– the other is free to voice their own and then you are having a productive dialog and learning about one another.
It’s comforting in a relationship to know what someone wants and it’s safer to know what someone wants.
Preferences are not always well received, especially if there is a precedent in the relationship of one person getting to set boundaries and the other acquiescing. Depending on the preference, there could be some discomfort, surprise, pushback, maybe even anger and hurt initially when you voice certain preferences. That’s okay; expressing the preference is more important than the reaction it evokes. Healthy relationships can eventually adapt to changes like someone expressing themselves more directly.
Sometimes it can be scary if it’s a bigger boundary or preference. For example, a partner wants more alone time or to navigate sex differently in the relationship.
While not saying you want more alone time or to make a change in your sex life seems to prevent rocking the boat, prevent conflict, it also feeds a resentment in the person who isn’t getting what they want, which creates distance in the relationship.
If the distance and resentment fester for too long, people can act out their desire in secret by doing what they want and lying about it. Once that has happened, and the spouse finds out, you have a much trickier problem of repairing the trust between you on top of working on the original issue.
Even if the silent partner doesn’t act out the desire, being so unknown in your relationships can lead to feeling you’ve fallen out of love or outgrown someone. It can start to feel less and less fulfilling and substantial.
So, while it feels safe to go with the flow, in the end it’s much safer to communicate openly in a relationship, even if that leads to conflict. It’s always okay to say what makes you feel comfortable and safe and it’s always okay to say no in a healthy relationship.
If you struggle with boundaries, conflict, saying no, and communicating what makes you feel safe and comfortable, these are all skills you can develop in therapy. On the flip side, if you struggle with accepting others’ boundaries, hearing no, and tolerating hearing other’s preferences this is also something you can learn to do.
As you start to understand your default behaviors, you develop self-awareness and more freedom in choosing how you would like to respond. All of our behavioral patterns make sense when we look at the full picture of our personal history. While you can work on building self-awareness and skills alone, it’s especially helpful to do this kind of exploration with a therapist.