3 Ways to Explore Erotic Transference in Psychotherapy
Sexual and romantic feelings in therapy toward your therapist are called erotic transference. It’s not uncommon to have these feelings as a client, but despite how therapists are often portrayed in media, it is uncommon for those feelings to be acted upon.
Ethical therapists never cross the boundary of having sexual or romantic contact with a client. It’s such a taboo, that it can be tricky to know how to navigate. When erotic transference presents in a therapeutic relationship, here are three things to get curious about:
Is there a wish to be nurtured, mothered, or babied, being expressed unconsciously in a sexualized way because it is less vulnerable?
Therapy intentionally takes people back to their past and evokes younger self states. Some therapy modalities see a progression of therapy as aligning with developmental stages– that one would begin metaphorically as an infant and pass through subsequent stages of growth, progressing toward greater maturity and independence.
When our early needs for nurturance aren’t met sufficiently, they become cloaked in shame. As adults, it can feel really shameful for some to imagine that part of them would yearn for nurturing. It unconsciously feels safer to imagine having a sexual pull instead.
If a desire to merge sexually appears, it’s useful to wonder what is coming up in terms of a desire for the basic needs of closeness, security, and the desire all infants and children want from their mothers– to be loved, delighted in, held close.
2. What is happening in the power dynamic?
There is a power differential in therapy in which the therapist holds more power. Think about authority, expertise, time boundaries, payment, the imbalance of information between what the therapist knows about the client and vice versa.
Good therapists consistently and intentionally seek to lessen this imbalance. For example, a therapist might emphasize that the client is the expert in their lived experience, they will ask permission from the client or defer to the client when approaching sensitive material and always respond to a client wanting to slow down, redirect, or stop a discussion. However, the dynamic will always have some imbalance, and a client can have a conscious, or unconscious desire to push against being in the position of less power.
That can come out sexually in the therapy room. Sexualizing or objectifying the therapist can demote them, so to speak. There could be a fantasy seducing the therapist or simply making the therapist uncomfortable or rattled. Typically, these are not wishes that the client is aware of having consciously, but they are unconscious protective measures against vulnerability.
Exploring how vulnerable the client feels, clients’ feelings about imbalance in the relationship, and discussing their history with power and status is a useful direction to take when erotic transference comes up.
3. Is there history of sexual abuse?
Erotic transference can sometimes relate to sexual abuse in the clients’ history. Survivors of sexual abuse may have an unconscious pull to sexualize relationships, which is very complex. In a generalized way, sexual feelings toward and efforts to seduce a therapist can be an unconscious test. Is this person safe? Can I really trust that the therapist will not cross the sexual boundary with me?
Where could skillfully exploring erotic transference lead?
The relationship between the therapist and client is a potentially significant new attachment which will essentially draw on each person’s attachment style with the possibility of the therapist becoming a secure attachment figure for the client.
Developing a secure attachment with your therapist is healthy and desirable, especially for people who have anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. There is a huge potential for repair there.
Any exploration also benefits from acknowledging the initial therapeutic agreement which always includes the boundary that the therapeutic relationship will never be sexual, romantic, or physical in any way. It’s important that both parties check in with their individual feelings of safety.
Erotic transference is important and valuable to discuss in the therapy room. As a client, know that it is common; you are not bad for having those thoughts and feelings. The majority of therapists will have encountered erotic transference. Having the bravery to bring it up could lead to some helpful insights for you.
For both the therapist and client, even if it is an uncomfortable topic, it’s worth getting curious about erotic transference. Instead of taking it at face value or dismissing it, try seeing it as potential information and a springboard for discovery.