Alpha, Beta, or BS?

Feb 26

The Appeal of the Alpha Fantasy, Why it’s Ineffective, and a Path to Real Power and Self-Worth.

The Appeal

The fantasy of being an Alpha is a wish to feel respected, valued, desired, and secure. Desiring these things is human and universal—we all want love and belonging. Yearning for power is especially potent when we have unresolved pain from being rejected, neglected, or devalued.

Aiming to be an Alpha, not a Beta, suggests a relational hierarchy in which one person is dominant. Striving to be an Alpha is a defense against shame and vulnerability. It’s an attempt not just to feel powerful, but to feel secure and valued.

Shame: I’m bad / not good enough
Vulnerability: I could be hurt or rejected

If I’m the most powerful and needed, I am good, safe, and my position is secure. It’s easy to see how one might come to this conclusion, but in practice, it fails.

Why It Fails

The Alpha–Beta dynamic is oversimplified and incomplete. By definition, being “Alpha” is statistically unlikely for the vast majority of us, and power and dominance constantly shift depending on context.

Externalized vs. Internalized Self-Worth:
Externalized self-worth comes from outside sources such as status, wealth, attractiveness, and popularity. Because it depends on external circumstances, it is unstable, subject to constant shifting, and can be taken away.
Requires Constant Vigilance:
Power achieved through dominance rather than through a relational connection of mutual respect and shared power is inherently unstable.
When you walk through the world as an “Alpha,” you must be on the lookout for perceived slights. Life can feel like a fight, as you are always being challenged—someone is always trying to knock you down from the top.
Your Relationships Suffer
Seeking to dominate others does not lead to long-lasting and secure relationships. People eventually tire of and leave relationships in which they don’t feel equally respected and heard.

What Would Lead to a Feeling of Power, Self-Worth, and Belonging?

Ironically, essential parts of true personal power and self-worth are often devalued as “beta.” Consider these qualities:

Emotional Intelligence, Awareness, and Attunement:
Learning to understand, recognize, and process our feelings is a tremendous source of power. It gives you a direct connection to what you want and fuels the motivation to achieve your goals.
Flexibility:
Knowing when to be assertive, how to be assertive while maintaining relationships, and when to compromise.
Self-Awareness:
By developing an in-depth understanding of your personal history and most painful emotional wounds, you gain the ability to see the world, yourself, and others more accurately and compassionately.
Relational Skills:
Cultivating the ability to listen well, empathize, and handle conflict without destroying connection or resorting to violence leads to secure and fulfilling connections.
Agency:
Recognizing where you have been passive or waiting for someone else to do the hard work empowers you to claim your unacknowledged power.

Conclusion

Desiring security, love, and belonging is both human and universal. However, striving to achieve these by being an Alpha is a losing battle. The preoccupation with dominance is rooted in insecurity, helplessness, and a fear of rejection.

It reflects a weak sense of self and underdeveloped relational skills. Rather than providing true self-worth, security, or belonging, it limits the satisfaction you find in relationships.

A more effective defense against shame and vulnerability is to intentionally cultivate confidence, competence, and respect through genuine actions. These are not qualities you can simply decide to have or fake—but they are great goals to strive for. Fortunately, emotional intelligence, flexibility, self-awareness, relational skills, and agency are all skills you can learn and develop in therapy.